thebaffer

A Transcript of Jeremy Clarkson’s Racism Allegations Apology:

 

Words by: BBC Media Relations Salvage Team, as spoken by Jeremy Clarkson.

Other Words by: Jeremy Clarkson’s brain as written by thebaffer

 

“Ordinarily I don’t respond to newspaper’s allegations…”

I don’t read newspapers, they are for plebs to sleep in, eat out of and be wrapped in when they die…

“… but on this occasion I feel I must make an exception.”

…I’m busted on video and even I can’t public-schoolboy my way out of this one.

“A couple of years ago I recorded an item for Top Gear in which I quoted the rhyme…”

It was a segment where they asked me to ‘rhyme’ and I’m not in any way gifted …

“… eeney meeny miney moe.”

…I desperately scrabbled at anything to make me more interesting.

“Now, of course, I was well aware that in the best known version of this rhyme…”

I’m actually aware of nothing outside my own bottom…

“…there is a racist expression that I was EXTREMELY keen to avoid.”

…I wasn’t going to avoid it at all. Other people do controversial humour. I wanna play…

“The full rushes show that…”

I’ve watched them 1000 times to try to find an escape from this.

“…I did 3 takes…”

…16 less than for this video, contrition is hard to perfect…

“…in two, I mumbled where the offensive word would normally occur”

… it really took me that long to think of a replacement…

“… and in the third I replaced it all together with the word teacher.”

…I’m not a racist, but I do inexplicably hate public sector workers.

“Now when I viewed this footage several weeks later…”

I was in Italy, busy driving a car made from the overworked skin of Nurses, when HR called me…

“…I realised in one of the mumbled versions, if you listen very carefully…”

…I was talking over the video at the time, telling them all that I’m infallible…

“… with the sound turned up…”

…my voice was still louder…

“…it did appear that I’d actually used the word I was trying to obscure.”

… I said ‘nigger’.

“I was mortified by this, horrified, it is a word I loathe…”

But I can, and will, still say it. I. Am. Jeremy. Fucking. Clarkson.

“… and I did everything in my power  to make sure that that version did not appear…”

….BBC minions actually did it for me…

“…in the programme that was transmitted.”

…in the Press.

“In fact, I have here, the note I wrote, at the time, to the production office…”

It’s definitely the same note, here on this bit of paper, right here, the same note…

“… and it says:  ‘I didn’t use the n-word here…”

…although I did, I said ‘nigger’.

“…but I’ve just listened through my headphones…”

…I tell BBC production staff how I listen to tapes. This is why the production crew hate me so much they leak videos…

“…and it sounds like I did.”

…because I did. I did. I said ‘nigger’.

“… is there another take that we could use?’”

… they didn’t like ‘teacher’ either, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

“… … … Please be assured…”

… Was that pause long enough? I had a sad face on too  😦 …

“…I did everything in my power to NOT USE THAT WORD…”

…I genuinely have no control over the drivel that leaks out my saggy face hole…

“…and…”

…sigh, this is so dull…

“…as I’m sitting here, begging your forgiveness…”

…I must be looking right at the camera here…

“… for the fact that obviously, my efforts weren’t quite good enough.”

… because ‘nigger’ slipped out, and I could not catch it by its toe.

“Thank you.”

Can I go back to Italy now?

 

 

 

I’m not in the habit of extensively trashing ‘celebrities’. For the most part, I’m not interested enough in them to bother.

Jeremy Clarkson is the exception.

As background, I’ve unreasonably hated him since I was a child. His face made me feel uncomfortable, the monsters in my dreams had his voice, and him being on television during my puberty has probably made me infertile. Just as I cannot help a physical attraction, I cannot help a physical repulsion.

On a normal day, I’d just mute the bits of Top Gear where he’s on and not take it any further, but today, his job hangs in the balance, and I believe he should be sacked, so I’m having a rant.

As an adult, Clarkson is still the voice of my monsters. He is a rich and arrogant man with barely any sense of how most people live.

Clarkson shouldn’t be sacked for saying the ‘n-word’. He’s trying to make it seem like it’s the ‘offensive word’ that’s the problem; he’s clouding a more central issue.

Any word is a cultural word, and no word should be censored entirely from sensible, contextual discussion. Clarkson should be sacked for not being able to say another word, or unimaginatively enjoying the potential shock value, or for not just owning up and admitting he said it; he should be sacked for clearly demonstrating that he is, at best, bloody stupid.

Clarkson should be sacked as a symbol for racism at its most dangerous level, the unconscious one. He should be sacked because he is a long time out of date and no one will ever be able to explain to him why.

Also, he should be sacked because any woman on television his age would be painted up like a Victorian Doll’s House and he gets to go on telly with a face like camel balls.

 

Enough.